Oh how quickly things change. Two months ago, I thought I had my genius "5 year Spain plan" all figured out. I was turning a blind eye to all the little things that have slowly been building up over the past few years. I had been suspecting for a while that I was staying in Spain for all the wrong reasons, and it took just one bad week at work to open my eyes and put the final nail in the coffin.
When I was in college, one of the things that got me through was the knowledge that after graduation I would have the absolute freedom to do whatever made me happy. To me, that meant leaving the U.S. and moving somewhere where they spoke Spanish. The reason I fell in love with Spain so quickly was because any country was preferable to the U.S. after my high school and college experience. Spain has been a great place to live for the past few years, but it's time to move on and try another country. I know that no one place will be an absolute perfect fit, but I have to go out and see if there's something better than this. At the moment, Honduras is the front runner for my 2014 destination. You could say that my wanderlust has been pretty dormant the past few years, and it's kicking in once again.
However, the main reason I'm leaving is a cultural issue. I really do love Spain, but I will never be able to function in their educational system. Staying here and getting a Masters would be pointless because I would be frustrated, stressed, and miserable being a teacher here. I invest too much of myself into the kids, and when I care more about their education than they do, the frustration (on my part) just builds and builds and builds. I can't do my job if they don't do theirs...and I refuse to become a jaded teacher. And yes, I know "running away" is possibly just as bad as becoming jaded, but for the sake of my mental health, it's the right choice right now. I've always known that the reason I am so in love with my seniors is NOT because we're so close in age...it's because they're in their last year of school and finally working hard because college is just around the corner. Their mentalities are different from the 7th-11th graders and that makes our classes go so smoothly that we are able to have tons of fun while doing the activities. I really do love my other kids, but I can't get over the fact that 0 out of 28 kids doing the homework is the norm for an 11th grade class...or that 2 out of 29 kids PASSING a unit exam is nothing to bat an eyelash at. I love them as people, but in an educational setting we just aren't compatible.
Now that I know that this is my last year (and really don't care if I have to leave early due to an increasingly unbearable relationship with one of my co-teachers) I have a new sense of freedom. I don't care what anyone thinks or says, and I'm going to make the most of the time I have left with my kids. I went out with some of them last week, and for Thanksgiving I'm inviting them over to my place to make pumpkin pie. I'm accepting every single Facebook friend request that comes my way, hanging out with them at recess and in the hallways, and walking to and from the train with any kid who asks.
So, Spain, I'm breaking up with you. It's not you, it's me. I can't change an entire country's mentality, so peace out. I'm basically just following the advice of the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." And I sure as hell have the "wisdom" to know that I'm fighting a losing battle here.
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